(Don’t worry about the title, I’m just being a smartass, that’s the title of my essay I’m writing, and you know….I’m a smartass….and coming up with titles is hard)

Hey kids….just using a rare free moment this week to post…this week is busy, but as long as I stick to my schedule, I’ll live, I even have time to chat on MSN, and who knows where I’d be without that hahaha.

So, in other news, I’m actually enjoying this sharing stuff…frankly, the large number of people who read this thing, and get to know all this stuff about me, but didn’t have to share themselves, well…I’ll put an end to that hehehehe. You know who you all are, even though you don’t know who “all” includes I’m sure….anyway, I’m being silly.

I will share this, life is confusing and bizarre (I know, BIG revelation ), but it is infinitely more interesting then what I did for the past few years. Which was mostly, get up. go to class, come home, eat, sit around, go to bed, repeat. Boring. I got stuff to do now, and people to do it with (I know, I always did, but I’m hard to motivate)…I’ve just got to squeak through this semester, which is finishing quite quickly at the moment….then make it until April, then, who knows huh? Maybe some new surroundings, a job, not the crap I did this summer, but a real job.

Thinking of hitting the weight bench…..wonder if I have time? Ah, sure I do…

I know this sounds really optimistic, but give me 24 hours, and I’ll be sour again trust me.

a bientot.

Well, back from Moncton….I know…again? Yes again. Figured why not, I was invited up, sure. Got to see the universe’s friggin longest Christmas parade…as well as get some swell boots, perfect for the snow that fell early sunday….I wanted it to snow while I was there, and it obliged-so F yeah to that.

If you haven’t noticed, no deep emotional whatever the hell….I’m going to see if I can’t cut that out….sorry, boring replays of my weekend are all you get. Wait for the autobiography-and yes, it will be an autobiography, because I don’t trust anyone to get it right. Although, seeing my life through someone else’s eyes would rock…uh oh….getting dangerously close buddy…..stop sharing, and thinking, and….stuff………………….there we go.

‘Night.

(See Title Above)…

Thinking of axing this thing, maybe I just need to let people in more often, rather than blab everything across the web. As someone said to me the other day, I do have people I can talk to about what’s going on in my head, so maybe I should look towards that as an option. Plus it looks like there may be someone new who I can discuss things like that with, who I’m beginning to suspect may in fact read this thing, but I’m not sure…they’re pretty good themselves about keeping things secret.

Basically, I think I should look towards the option of choosing who in fact gets to hear my inner thoughts, because I am not totally comfortable with this thing as it is. In fact, if it’s ever brought up in person, I’ll go silent on the issue. It’s not to say it didn’t help me when I needed to work some stuff out, it’s just that a silly blog can’t replace human beings.

So, look forward to this thing becoming a silly update of what I have done, rather than how I feel. I’d rather use that information to help invest in actual relationships with people. I guess, those trust issues I’ve had are finally beginning to go away….thank the Lord…haha

Cheers.

I really need to stop reading these things, but I did like this one-apparently this my 2006 “Preview”

“AQUARIUS in 2006 – Discovery

Frankly, friend Aquarius, you’re bored. You’re confused about what you really want from life, and you may be feeling rather fatalistic, uncertain that any of your long-term goals will ever be reached. This year won’t be an easy one, but a little effort on your part to expand your horizons will trigger some changes. One of those changes just might be a heightened love life – rendering you happier and more confident. You may find that some tired old goals are no longer as important to you as they once were, and you could actually find yourself formulating new goals that will break you out of this cycle of confusion and boredom. Don’t worry about the ultimate end. Just keep striving. At some point, your luck will change – and for the better.”

It does seem to really underscore my point, whatever the hell my point is. Seriously though, being bored? Good call. Fatalistic? no kidding, I’m constantly reading horoscopes and waiting for things to “happen” Oh, and by the way, having anything happen in my love life would result in it being heightened, because right now it is nonexistent, seemingly anyway, I could be wrong, since I have little capacity to know what’s going on when it comes to things like that. Seriously, I wouldn’t know if someone is interested unless they told me so…I absolutely lack the ability to pick up on that stuff.

Anyway, saw the thing, and felt like letting everyone know. It does really sum up my feelings on just about everything, so that’s pretty intense…I also like the optimistic feel of it…since I have already been preparing to really change things this coming year, nice to know that eventually it’ll all work out in the end, because despite how assured I may seem, I’m really pretty insecure and freaked out at times.

Wish me luck on my Public Finance test tonight.

Well, all this hypothetical marriage discussion, has led me to start dreaming about it for frig’s sake. Seriously, I had a dream that must have lasted for a half-hour, of me getting ready for my wedding for half an hour….it was like it was in real time, bizarre I know. I am losing my mind, that’s all there is to it. Oh, and by the way, I don’t know who I was getting married to, because it was a half hour before the wedding, and of course, it’s bad luck to see the bride .

I’m cracking up. BRBRBRBRBBBBBPPPPPSSSSSS…that’s me going nuts-get the straight-jacket!

I guess I love to torture myself hahahaha….meh, I was just bored, and saw this test, so what the hell-need to have a sense of humor right?

Oh….and for shits and giggles…

John Wayne You scored 28% Tough, 19% Roguish, 28% Friendly, and 23% Charming!

You, my friend, are a man’s man, the original true grit, one tough talking, swaggering son of a bitch. You’re not a bad guy, on the contrary, you’re the ultimate good guy, but you’re one tough character, rough and tumble, ready for anything. You call the shots and go your own way, and if some screwy dame is willing to accept your terms, that’s just fine by you. Otherwise, you’ll just hit the open trail and stay true to yourself. You stand up for what you believe and can handle any situation, usually by rushing into the thick of the action. You’re not polished and you’re not overly warm, but you’re a straight shooter and a real stand up guy. Co-stars include Lauren Bacall and Maureen O’Hara, tough broads who can take care of themselves. Find out what kind of classic dame you’d make by taking the Classic Dames Test.

OK, felt like I should put a follow up to my earlier, crazy posts. Whatever it may or may not mean (quite possibly nothing), this “soul mate”, whoever she is (and I hope it’s a she-that would make life easier), all I care about is that she “gets me”, now, I know that’s a cliche thing to say, but it’s true. I’m not looking for a mind reader, just someone who understands where I’m coming from better than most.

OK, I’m done with this…time to go to band practice. Life is complicated, isn’t it? I may edit this when I come home tonight, we’ll see.

‘Night.

EDIT:12:39AM….Well here I am with that promised edit session. Ok, basically, what I think I’m getting at, and I’m not even sure why the hell I’m posting this…man, I must be losing my mind telling you people this….off track….Uh, where was I? I guess I’m just a little pissed and confused, that after I told myself not to worry about this type of crap, just let it happen, then I start getting all freaked out…I mean, I try to not be all flaky, and into a stupid horoscope that appears on my homepage, but when it’s already on your mind, it’s hard not to start obsessing. Like I said, I’m tired of being single, and I’m tired of putting things off. Time to be an adult I think…well…an adult SOME of the time.

Oh, and unless I’m mistaken, I don’t think anyone “gets me”-if they do, they’re keeping it a secret. So that horoscope can go frig off, and show up when it’s needed, stop making me go crazy:P

EDIT EDIT:12:02PM MON…..OK, now that I’ve slept on it, I suppose maybe I’m underestimating a few people….regarding that last paragraph from last night’s edit. Hmmmm actually….OK, time to shut up I think….I did just get struck with an idea though, but I’m going to keep it quiet for now….time for class now, bye bye.

Man, my posts are getting later and later, My sleep schedule has been a bit messed up since I got back from Moncton last week….but no matter…felt like sharing what I would consider the single most craziest horoscope I have ever gotten-the thing is still freaking me out, and I originally read it almost 24 hours ago….let me do the ol’ copy & paste thing here…..

“Today you may realize that your friend is actually your soul mate, dear Aquarius. You have been spending a lot of time together lately attending various social events, and have come to realize how much you look forward to each other’s company. Your new level of affection seems so obvious, but it would be a good idea to put your feelings into words. If you can’t screw up the courage to do so, express your thoughts in the form of a gift.”

Is that not insane??! I mean, wow, usually the things are such fluff, than that….so, basically, in conjunction with the post I made a few days ago about how I freaked myself out, then this thing shows up on my homepage to greet me….

So, my usual fluff horoscope, was stuck in my head all day…honesty, after a while it actually got to the point where I was like ” who the fuck would it be?” that was when I realized I was obsessed with it. So hopefully, by posting this it’ll get out of there already.

Thought I’d share

EDIT 2:44 PM SAT.-This was the next day’s horoscope…what the hell is going on ?

“Have love matters been causing you excessive strain for a while now, dear Aquarius? If so, you can expect that to end now. Someone you love very deeply reciprocates your feelings, and if there are differences between you, is very anxious to resolve them and look towards the future. This relationship will probably succeed – IF you go in with eyes wide open. Don’t have unrealistic expectations of your partner. Learn to love human flaws as much as perfections.”

Hey there gang…it’s late, but I can’t sleep, not yet anyway…too much on my mind I think. It’s not the usual stuff that keeps me awake though, I’m just running some stuff through my head about something I heard this evening. I won’t get into specifics (I never do), but lets just say I heard some rather depressing news about an old friend of mine.

It’s not only that, but it’s got me thinking about a number of things about home. The reasons I felt like doing the whole regional development thing in the first place. If you’re not from the Valley, it might not seem like much-well, now that I think of it, this isn’t an isolated issue. I guess, since it hits a little closer to me personally, I’m just being a bit selfish.

It’s a lovely place to live, but I wouldn’t want to live there again I don’t think. It’s depressing to think that it’s come to the point where I’d say that. I hate the fact, that although I know I’m gone, I can’t help buy feel like maybe by leaving, I’m abandoning the rest. Brutal.

Sorry, sometimes I find it hard to turn the empathy off. I know, my little cross to bear…(that’s a joke about my tone, just so you know….I am sarcastic as hell)….seriously though, I try to let everyone do their own thing, but too much lately has been nothing but bad, and it only gets worse as days go by it seems. I hope it all turns out the way it has to, I guess that’s the best I can hope for.

Take Care People.

Well, as the above title suggests, I freaked myself out. Don’t ask me how I got thinking about this, because I can’t even remember, but somehow I started to wonder what it would be like to be married with children, and it DIDN’T scare me, which in turn scared me. I think I must be getting old. Maybe it’s because I am now at the age my parents were when they had me, and even then they had been married for five years. I knew I’d never do what they did, marry young that is, and even a year ago I’d say that I still had no intention on doing so, but now….yikes. I guess now that I’m done my degree I have no more excuses, sometimes I wonder if that’s why I went back to school-as an excuse not to grow up.

I think the fact that 30 isn’t as far away as it once was has got me spooked. I’m sure life doesn’t end at 30, but still, I feel sometimes like maybe I squandered some time since high school. I guess waking up now rather than later is a blessing, as I have 4 years and change to get myself where I want to be I guess. Who knew, I am one of those freaks who looks forward to settling down…we always make fun of that guy, and here I am, slowly realizing I have become that guy. Wow. I still can’t remember how I got thinking about this yet either….spooky.

How’s that quote go, the Aerosmith line that Grace wrote in my high school yearbook? “Life is a journey, not a destination.” I don’t like Aerosmith, but that line is genius. Those people who say stuff like they never want to settle down at some point are fooling themselves into thinking that their free will can determine the destination-but there isn’t one, that’s the point!. I’m sorry if this is a bit esoteric, it’s a personal reference to a conversation I had with someone recently is all. I have come to the realization that being a regular human being still means you are a complete success, some people get mistaken into thinking that if you aren’t a household name then you have failed, I sooooo disagree with that. There’s a quote by Rose Kennedy that I can’t really remember, but the message of it is that she felt she was more of a success by living her life as she had and raising a successful son, then she would have ever been had she been a famous painter, or writer, or whatever, you get the point. That’s a wise view. I’m glad I can appreciate it now at 25, rather than waiting until I am the age she was when she said it.

I mean, can you believe it, I never even played the “baby-name” game that everyone else I know has-and I’m older than most of my friends too. All my friends have their baby’s names picked out, and I have never even thought of it-except for the fact that I have toyed with using my sister’s name, but I’m still not sure on that one.

You are freaking out…..man!

Edit: I added this a few hours later, it’s just some deal I filled out that was on my MSN homepage. Figured what the hell…I find these things sometimes do a good job of describing me, but is that because they’re accurate, or do I copy them to make it so?

Aquarius

Element: Air

Mode: Fixed

Ruler: Uranus

Color: Electric Blue, Violet, Gray-green

Famous Aquarians:
Sir Francis Bacon, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Placido Domingo, Mia Farrow, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Galileo Galilei, Barbara Hershey, Abraham Lincoln, James Michener, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Paul Newman, Norman Rockwell, Jules Verne, Oprah Winfrey, Virginia Woolf

Strengths:
Adventurous, curious, flexible, idealistic, humanitarian, independent, innovative, intuitive, loyal, original, resourceful, sociable, spontaneous

Weaknesses:
Eccentric, inaccessible, inconsistent, intolerant, peculiar, quixotic, radical, rebellious, scattered, unpredictable, unrealistic

Aquarius, the eleventh of the zodiac, is considered the sign of perspective, the future, and new projects. The water bearer symbolizes intellectual development through communication and innovation. Of all signs, you are the most idealistic and humanitarian, with a strong sense of community and fraternity. Your ruler Uranus, the planet of change and revolution, represents originality and a strong drive for adventure and freedom. Uranus is also called the rebel planet, and its energy is radical, sudden, and unpredictable.

Aquarius is the third of the three air signs, which means that your intellectuality is expressed as an intuitive grasp of universal principles, along with a concern for the universal wellbeing of humanity.

Aquarius rules the eleventh house of the chart, Lee, the sector associated with friends and groups, intellectual pleasures, socializing, and attitude toward society. However, it also describes personal hopes and wishes, as well as collective trends and humanitarian issues.

Yours is a fixed sign, which means that you resist manipulative behavior. You form your own opinion, however unusual it may be, and refuse to adapt. If someone dares to push, pull, or pressure you, they will definitely get to know your stubborn and eccentric side.

Finesse and elegance are what best describes you, Lee. You are Libra Rising, a person of excellent taste. You charm people with your sense of tact and diplomacy in the private, social, or professional world. Your actions express beauty and grace, along with discipline, sternness, and a strong sense of integrity. Your manners are very civilized, and most of the time, you display an even-tempered and composed attitude.

You are far from being a solitary person, Lee, because you enhance your individuality through cooperation with other people. Your strongest virtue is your ability to see any matter from the viewpoint of those you are dealing with. You are a great communicator, and need interaction with others that help you along in your own spiritual quest. Therefore, your relationships are not superficial – they are whole and well balanced.

Professionally speaking, you excel in any kind of partnerships and associations, Lee, because you are an excellent mediator and diplomat, who has an innate sense of justice. This naturally inspires the respect, and the trust of the people you are in contact with. Since you detest conflict, you are always able to find a common ground that satisfies all parties involved, and are likely to work out compromises to save personal relationships