The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell – the Malebolge!
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And how I get there….

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Been an active job front…lost an opportunity in one case, had another pushed back to a further date, had my contract at work extended by a month, and got invited to an interview in Fredericton. All of this happened within five days or so. Been hectic like I said, but I’m glad things are happening and old opportunities are resolving themselves of their own volition.

As for the personal life, it’s still heartbreakingly slow and despite my (or at least what I thought was) unlimited patience, I’m starting to freak out at the waiting and not knowing. It’s no one else’s fault though, because no matter how bad I feel about the situation, there is another person who feels infinitely worse than I do…poor consolation, but it keeps me from getting angry for no good reason at the situation as a whole.

Had some new drama surface lately pertaining to some real good friends of mine, and some issues they are having with eachother…mostly brought on by someone I’ve heard nothing but bad things about who seemed to just “show up” a few weeks ago. Whatever. Honestly, everyone has their stupidities, fuck knows I do. I’m refraining from telling everyone what their particular moronic ability is in this situation, because I have bigger fish to fry (i.e. My Stupidities). I just hope everyone comes out unscathed, or relatively so anyway. Honestly, I don’t see a happy ending in this whole situation. Also, no one is a winner in this, and nothing I’ve heard apart from one friend saying they have “washed their hands of situation” will be of any help, it’s all just so much more fuel for the fire. Whatever.

So there you go, all my bullshit in a nutshell. And to those who know about the last melodrama I wrote about and read this blog, or stumbled on it by accident – please do not get me involved. If you know about it, then you know what else I have to deal with too…so please, let me do one thing at a time. Appreciate it.

Lee.

P.S. I do believe that the finger that got broken working with a certain construction company is finally showing some nerve damage (ring finger on left hand). My finger tip has lost sensation, and it’s been like that for a couple moths now. Fantastic really.

From time to time I remember something my mom told me, that was told to her as a girl by the grandmother of her childhood friend. that is that sunbeams streaming through clouds are actually souls going to heaven. I think it’s a nice thought.

Stuff like that makes me feel a little bit better, even if I don’t necessarily believe it. It’s nice to step outside of yourself from time to time and just be fascinated at the idea.

The moment passes though, as I can feel it fade now. It was fun while it lasted though.

Lates.

Just a quickie before work…Trying to distract myself from the fact that it’s “zero hour”. If you know what I mean, great, if you don’t, don’t feel bad, I’ve been sworn to secrecy and I rock at keeping secrets.

So right now I’m basically a ball of nerves, meaning I’m a wreck. Alternating between being tired but not able to sleep, to being exhausted and finding it hard to stay awake…to just being way to wired with nervous energy. I’m also losing my appetite a lot, but I’ve been making sure I’m eating. I know huh? WHAT’S HE TALKING ABOUT???? Sorry, I really am, but it’s just not coming out of me.

I know I’m ready for what could happen though. I’ve had plenty of time to prepare myself mentally, and I’m definitely up to the challenge. Now I’m just afraid it won’t happen…that’s actually what scares me the most more than anything else. Such an odd situation…but knowing my life, and it’s “tragic happiness”, I know it’s how it’s meant to be. Everything good has to be touched by something horrible, but I’m coming to terms with that…

And a note to those trying to determine what I mean, well, I’m keeping it a secret so that if things don’t happen as I want, I’ll never have to worry about it coming up in casual conversation, because no one knows to begin with. Gotta look out for number 1 here…

Adios.

P.S. I don’t foresee me doing anything for my birthday, sorry to all who were counting on dragging me out. I’m just not in the mood and I’d be terrible company I know it already. Thanks for thinking of me though.

No real reason to post, just sorta felt like doing so. I blame – partly anyway – the new book I picked up today. Basically it reads like someone’s extended blog…more to the point, similarly like my extended blog – if one existed in theory. Good motivation I suppose, and an excellent reason.

(BTW it’s Chuck Klosterman – Killing Yourself To Live)

Actually to be honest, it reads like a hybrid of my blog, and what actually transpires in my mind on a daily basis….creepy, think I should track down the author for drinks, or to wear his skin like a suit. Or both, depends on how much time I had I suppose.

Had some thoughts come to me tonight – just moments ago in fact. Realized that I have a surprisingly large amount of self-confidence despite being totally obsessed with how I appear to others, and being completely preoccupied with how others view me. Odd….so, I’m the really confident guy how is a doormat. Fuck. Odd.

Also, I recommend the new Beck album, The Information. Very, very good. And I’m not even high right now listening to it…fuck, imagine if I was. Also, I have it in the headphones – the best way to enjoy music I find. You can hear all the little background nuances that make great albums great (combine 1/2 production with 1/2 genius).

Also, I predict Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake will be one of those songs we all enjoy in 2016 in an “ironic” way, which is merely to cover up the fact that we all secretly sincerely enjoy it and did so in 2006. Or maybe I’m just talking out my ass again…check back in 2016…provided “The” asteroid hasn’t destroyed us before then.

Not sure what else to distract myself – or even you yourself sitting there at the computer – anymore, so I think I’ll leave it at that.

Oh, going to be 27 in less than three weeks. Quite indifferent to it really. Been in a haze lately that it’s hard to break from, and to be honest I don’t think I want to. Mostly out of guilt to someone I’m crazy in love with I’ll admit. I have recognized myself acting through the motions through the haze though, so there’s always hope. Once things feel more resolved I think I’ll be back…maybe just in time to turn the famous “27″ (age at which rock stars like to die…interesting…topic of the Klosterman book actually, dead rocks stars that is…spooky). And maybe I’ll be back just in time for the Young Offenders reunion to supposedly take place beginning of February.

That’s right..hell must have froze over…it is really cold out…

Now I’m Audi

So, we haven’t really talked in almost a month, and the last few times we did, you were less and less sure of what would happen. I got upset at this idea, although I knew the whole time it was necessary…and I later agreed to do what was needed, because really, it’s not about me at this point anymore at all…which was really the hardest thing to resolve – means I am completely without any control at this moment over anything that happens to either of us. Not an area I do well in at all.

I basically spent my whole life teaching myself how to best take complete control over my life, so that if something happened I couldn’t handle or deal with, well, I could do my best to reverse the situation. Unfortunately the greatest trick I taught myself was to run. That cannot be an option this time, so here I am.

I got a good look at myself through someone else’s eyes today. They saw me as a “rebel with a clue, pretending to be a rebel without a clue”. Thinking about it now, makes a lot of sense. Feigning ignorance and general “I don’t know what I like, but I know what I don’t like” has worked too well for me, I got stuck in that mindset I think. Maybe it’s time to admit what it is I am fighting for and be comfortable with that. I like to think that’s what I’ve been coming to the past two months…and I have to admit, it’s been one of the hardest times of my life.

When we got together, you told me we had the chance to learn a lot from each other, if nothing else. Well, I can safely say you were right on that, and it’s become much more. I can’t say for sure what you learned, although your silence suggests that you’ve come to grips with something and need some time, as you told me one of our last nights together. All I can do now is hope everything is on schedule, and that it’ll all be over soon.

Funny, I’m writing this here, although you’ll never get to see it, but everyone else with an internet connection and five minutes to kill will get to. Sorry about that, but you knew from the start my tendency to maybe put down to print much more than I ever needed say…in fact, I dare say it was one thing about me you first loved. In this case, we’re both the same…maybe my writing this here can magically bring it all back to how it was before…but I know better, as well you do too. That past is just that, there is no going back.

Frankly, despite the bad times and trauma that initially brought us together – which has always given me mixed feelings – I have nothing but good feelings about the future, even as I write this feeling like I’m completely empty and hollow and incapable of noticing anything – like sleepwalking really. I know that if it all goes according to how I feel it will deep down, it will be all OK. Hell, maybe even something we can be excited about yes?

And to all those who read this, and maybe even more to those around me who I know don’t – this is all you’ll get. Yes, it really sucks right now, and if I’m distant you know why…but don’t push it. I’m not saying pretend like it’s not happening, just give me some space. Too bad I can’t get everyone to read this…

This letting it all go according to fate is so scary. Think I’m getting a better perspective on what you’re going through already. When it’s all said and done, please come find me, just as you did before. I told you many times I am behind you 100% and I mean it. Come whatever may.

Based on what almost happened to me today, I know my guardian angel is still there keeping me alive. I’m afraid I’m about halfway through the nine lives though. Whatever, I wouldn’t dare leave you that way, take more than the randomness of the universe to strike me down while we still have our future to live. I’ll see you then. With love, Lee.

Your results:
You are The Flash

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And…
Your results:
You are Apocalypse

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