I want to update, but I’m exhausted. Long story short, since StatsCan has to move out, they need to take their junk with them….like to the tune of a couple hundred computers…

So instead of updates I vegged on the couch playing San Andreas since Nick hasn’t taken it back yet, and now I’m dead. Well dead tired.

PS This totally counts as an update suckers, see you in a a few days

So I was going to keep this to myself, but figured why bother…I keep enough to myself I guess. I have a heart problem, not a metaphorical or symbolic one, but an actual one. Nothing serious in the least, but it does mean I get to see a cardiologist to make sure it’s not a symptom of something larger. If that’s not the case, then I guess I’m good to go.

Funny thing is though, what I did go to the hospital for I was told not to worry about….like going to mechanics really, I came out with a new problem then what I went in with.

Meh.

PS. Valley tomorrow.

EDIT: So just to underscore this some more. It is NOT serious. I don’t need a heart transplant or am I about to have a heart attack. In fact, those who do fall into those categories are getting the treatment they need and keeping me from getting called for an appointment I’m sure, so balance has been struck. If I do drop dead well…must have been my time. Ha haha laughing in the face of death….

I feel like some type of clichéd poster-child for internal struggle.

At first it just made me sad a lot, this struggle…now it makes me sad a lot, but also pisses off. Perhaps my emotional outlets are a bit sub par. Haha…this is my emotional outlet I’m scared to admit. Need another hobby…..

Part of me wants to remain optimistic, it fights to see that glass half-full. It keeps picking out the good things that are supposed to lead me to believe that this is just the part of the situation where the tough stuff breaks away the layers that need to go…something like weight training for a prize fight, yes. This is necessary, this part of me says, in order for what is meant to become to occur and have it last.

The other part of me? Well he says to hell with all of this, you can’t handle this. Quit. Give up. Now I have to admit, this guy doesn’t speak up very much, but when he does, oh man. Occasionally friends and acquaintances tell me to run, fueling what this jackass part of me keeps screaming.

Well, to all concerned, the friends, the jackass, the people reading this scratching their heads wondering what the hell I mean with all of this, even you…I can’t do that, it isn’t in the manual. It isn’t just that I promised despite everything that would happen I wouldn’t leave, but that is an important part, but it’s just that, inexplicably, I feel like I have to see this through. I have to. This is what separates men from boys, and what separates people who write checks their butts can’t cash, and men of their word. So OK, maybe it is about me promising.

So what does all this mean? Fuck, nothing really, This is my blog and my therapy and I really couldn’t care less at this point who thinks what, and everyone can tell me to run and I’ll nod and say “thank you, duly noted”. If nothing comes of any of this, and a year from now it’s just a dream of my past, I’ll still have to live with how I deal with the decision to run or stay.

There is no option. This is all pointless. Please disregard everything previous. I’m clearly having a breakdown I think, not sure though.

So I think I’m one step closer to finally writing.

I never wanted to write anything for fear of well, not knowing life enough. I know young people have written so great stuff, thinking Harper Lee here more than anything, but I mean, mostly young people have no real insight into life and anything they try to get across in type will be mostly self-indulgent and basically, terrible.

No offense to any young people out there, I mean, I’m one too…although I’m getting closer to crossing that divide.

Pain helps a lot. I had some pain as a young man in high school and shortly afterwards, but nothing I felt I understood. At the the time, I’m sure I operated in a sense of complete clarity really. Looking back, I know I was full of shit, and understood nothing. I know now that I understand nothing to this day. I know already I will understand nothing tomorrow. Isn’t it great? Fucking liberating really, and just what I need to write.

I can now put thought to paper, or wordprocessor at least, and not worry about the consequences. Of course in ten years after completing said work I’ll hate it, it’s in my nature. As long as I can live with it and recognize it was relevant at the time, it will all work out.

I know now what it’ll be about, nothing revolutionary, just another story. But it’ll be MY story. I am destined to spill my guts as I am right now, and I know that the credo “write what you know” is extremely apt in my case. I could fake ideas and character insights and dialogue, but that’ll make me hate it wholly – at least if it’s close to my heart, I’ll be able to live with it.

And to anyone I’ve ever said the phrase “I’m totally mentioning this when I write the story of our lives”, well, here goes nothing. Oh yeah, that’s right, he did mean it when he said that.

I should clarify this however. It won’t be done anytime soon. I need time to pass between what is happening to me now and the final project. It’s not that what I’m dealing with is too hard to relive in this project, but that I realize that writing situations close to what is really happening might not be everyone’s cup of tea, and some time to heal is in order.

Plus who knows, maybe I’ll have a happy ending after all. Which of course means I can’t do it, no pain = no gain.

Lates.

Feeling so emo right now….funny how that became a verb without anyone noticing it was happening. No emo music for me though, feel more like some sad ass crying in the beer alt-country….or right now a melancholy song by The Replacements will do too.

I’ve determined this is probably one of the hardest times I’ll have in my life. I can see it becoming such. So now the question becomes, run and hide? Or stay and tough it out? Honestly, I’m all for toughing it out, because I know what will result eventually will also become one of the happiest moments of my life. But sometimes, wow, like right now, I just want to quit. I guess this is it, do I have the courage of my convictions? Or am I just going to run like I promised I wouldn’t no matter what happened.

Also, don’t blame her. The situation is just that tough, that neither of us have any answers here. I’m more in the frame of mind of knowing what I want, but she’s not and I need to respect that…and so do you. That wasn’t directed to anyone in particular, but I know what people say. Hell, she told me what they would all say haha…so you’ve all been beat to it, know it all already. Plus, come on people, everyone changes (oh man I typed two ‘c’s there with changes…too much David Bowie…does he have any sad alt-country?)

Besides…I have the luxury of choice in all of this, she didn’t. It takes more time to resolve what you can’t control.

So is all of this to theoretical “you’, or to help me calm down a bit? Who knows, all pysch students line up to the right and begin your diagnosis. It better be pro bono however, not paying students to warp my mind just like I ‘m not paying the students at the Barber College to mangle my hair.

Where was I going with that? I’m somewhat out of my mind…understandable all things considered really. The trick is, maintain, focus, one day at a time, and shut out everyone who drives you nuts haha. Really though, I don’t ‘talk it out’ and if you know me, you’ll know I’ll just squirm as I get asked if “I’m OK” and ‘How are things today?’….oh and the best…’did you talk to her today?’. Man, I hate that one. That one is probably the worst. Everyone please stop asking.

I think I’ll tattoo “Don’t Ask” on my forehead so everyone will know what to do….actually they’ll just be confused and think I put that there to stop questions concerning my new forehead tattoo….cosmic, one creates the other, but why make the first one in that case? See, this is how I distract myself. I sound high right? Not even close, just sick with sadness. Depression is probably more like it. It’ll pass. All part of the game, a game I might add I refused to play for years and got angry with myself for not playing….just check the archives on this badboy…I brought this on myself.

I made my bed, and I’ll lie in it thanks. No pity, I hate that, and no being pushy to make me happy, I think I may hate that more…not sure yet…do either, and you’ll get bit though haha..I laugh, but yeah, I’m pissy for sure.

Adios.

I added a link to the wikipedia page for Feb 3…interesting facts include that Feb 3 is considered winter’s halfway, and that there is now someone of enough noteworthiness that was born on the same exact day as myself to be included in such fantastic wastes of time such as lists of “What Happened on Your Birthday in History”. Fuck me, what a glorious age we live…(Maybe I’m just jealous I’m not on there yet, or maybe it just struck me how much time I wasted the past two days looking this all up)

IF FEBRUARY 3 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Reach for your highest and most sought-after dreams in the year ahead. Ambition is the keyword for the next several months. If you work hard and fulfill certain obligations, you can win the stardom you desire or the kudos you deserve by April. Circumstances will force you to prove yourself again and again, but a helpful opportunity in May might lighten your load. By July it is possible to land the job of your dreams or obtain a reliable commitment from the significant other in your life. Don’t launch new projects or make key investments in August or September. By next January you are once again in the limelight with every indication of success in career and love.

According to the “Today in History” Widget on my Google homepage, this all happened on my birthday.

“On Feb, 3rd

316: Martyrdom of St. Blaise
590: Election of Pope Gregory I, “the Great”
619: Death of St. Laurence of Canterbury
1116: Death of Koloman, King of Hungary
1238: The Mongols take over Vladimir, Russia.
1347: John VI Cantacuzenus enters Constantinople – end of the Civil War
1376: Massacre of the city of Cesena, Italy by Sir John Hawkwood
1468: Death of Johann Gutenberg
1472: Reconsecration of York Cathedral
1518: Silence imposed on Augustine Monks by the Pope
1521: Magellan discovers Shark Island in the Pacific
1690: The first paper money in America was issued by the colony of Massachusetts. (The currency was used to pay soldiers fighting a war against Quebec.)
1783: Spain recognized US independence.
1809: Felix Mendelssohn was born in Hamburg. Felix wrote a dozen string symphonies while still a teenager, and his string “Octet,” one of the greatest chamber works by any composer, was performed when Felix was 16. born
1809: The territory of Illinois was created.
1811: Horace Greeley, told young men to go west born
1821: Elizabeth Blackwell, the first woman doctor of medicine born
1865: President Lincoln and Confederate Vice President Alexander H. Stephens held a shipboard peace conference off the Virginia coast. (The talks deadlocked over the issue of Southern autonomy.)
1869: Actor Edwin Booth opened his new theater in New York City. The first production was Romeo and Juliet. Tickets sold for as much as $125.00 for this presentation.
1870: The 15th Amendment to the Constitution was ratified. It granted that the right of citizens to vote shall not be denied on account of race, color or previous condition of servitude.
1874: Poet and novelist Gertrude Stein born
1876: Albert Spalding and his brother took $800 savings and started a sporting goods company. They manufactured the first official baseball, tennis ball, basketball, golf ball and football.
1883: American writer Clarence Mumford- creator of Hopalong Cassidy born
1894: Artist Norman Rockwell born
1904: Colombian troops clash with U.S. Marines in Panama.
1907: Author James Michener ( HAWAII ) born
1908: The U.S. Supreme Court rules that union-sponsored boycotts are illegal, and applies the Sherman Antitrust Act to labor as well as capital.
1909: Simone Well, French writer whose work was published posthumously born
1912: New U.S. football rules are set touchdown counts six points instead of five; four downs are allowed instead of three; and the kickoff is moved from midfield to the 40 yd. line.
1913: The 16th Amendment, allowing establishment of an income tax, became part of the U.S. Constitution after ratification by Wyoming.
1916: Canada’s original Parliament Buildings, in Ottawa, burned down.
1917: The United States broke off diplomatic relations with Germany after a German declaration of unrestricted submarine warfare.
1918: Comedian Joey Bishop born
1920: The Allies demand that 890 German military leaders stand trial for war crimes.
1924: The 28th president of the United States, Woodrow Wilson, died in Washington at age 68.
1925: Actor John Fiedler born
1926: Comedian Shelley Berman born
1927: President Calvin Coolidge signed a bill into law that created the Federal Radio Commission “to bring order out of this terrible chaos.”
1928: Singer Frankie Vaughn (Abelson) born
1930: The chief justice of the United States, William Howard Taft, resigned for health reasons. President Hoover appointed Charles Evans Hughes as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.
1935: Actor Jeremy Kemp (Edmund Walker) born
1940: Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton born
1943: Actress Blythe Danner born
1943: Singer Dennis Edwards (formerly with The Temptations) born
1943: Rock ‘n Roll musician (The Hollies) Eric Haydock born
1943: During World War Two, the U-S transport ship “Dorchester” sank after being hit by a torpedo. (Four Army chaplains gave their life belts to four other men, and went down with the ship.)
1944: The U.S. shell the Japanese homeland for the first time at Kurile Islands.
1945: Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese born
1945: The Allies drop 3,000 tons of bombs on Berlin.
1947: Singer-guitarist Dave Davies (The Kinks) born
1947: Singer Melanie (Safka) born
1947: Percival Prattis of “Our World” in New York City became the first black, news correspondent admitted to the House and Senate press gallery in Washington, D.C.
1950: Actress Morgan Fairchild born
1951: The Tennessee Williams play, “The Rose Tattoo,” opened on Broadway in New York.
1954: Millions greet Queen Elizabeth in Sydney on her first royal trip to Australia.
1956: Christian artist Dan Dean (Phillips, Craig & Dean) born
1956: Actor Nathan Lane born
1956: Rock musician Lee Renaldo (Sonic Youth) born
1956: Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins and Johnny Cash recorded a two-and-one-half hours session in the Sun studios.
1959: Actor Thomas Calabro (“Melrose Place”) born
1959: Rock musician (The Cure) (Laurence) Lol Tolhurst born
1959: A plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa, claimed the lives of rock-and-roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson.
1961: Actor-director Keith Gordon born
1962: Actress Michele Greene born
1962: President John F. Kennedy bans all trade with Cuba.
1964: Country singer Matraca Berg born
1965: Actress Maura Tierney born
1965: Rock musician Nick Hawkins (Big Audio) born
1966: Soviet Luna 9 achieves soft landing on the moon.
1969: The Endangered Species Act was signed into law by President Nixon.
1969: The Palestine National Congress appointed Yasser Arafat head of the Palestine Liberation Organization.
1971: OPEC decides to set oil prices without consulting buyers.
1977: Musician Grant Barry (Reel Big Fish) born
1983: U.S. and Israeli officials agreed to a boundary separating their military forces in Beirut, Lebanon, following repeated confrontations between U.S. Marines and Israeli troops.
1984: The EPA orders a ban on the pesticide EDB for grain products.
1984: The space shuttle Challenger blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida, on a problem-plagued mission that included the faulty deployment of two satellites and a target balloon.
1985: Pope John Paul II, on a visit to Peru, pleaded with leftist rebels to lay down their arms, saying, “The cruel logic of violence leads nowhere.”
1986: President Reagan appointed a 12-member commission to investigate the failure of the Challenger, which broke apart 73 seconds after launch, claiming the lives of the entire crew.
1987: The San Diego Yacht Club celebrated the victory of skipper Dennis Conner and the “Stars and Stripes” over Australia’s “Kookaburra Three” to sweep the America’s Cup series.
1988: The US House of Representatives handed President Reagan a major defeat, rejecting his request for at least $36.25 million in aid to the Nicaraguan Contras by a vote of 219-to-211.
1988: The US Senate voted unanimously to confirm Anthony M. Kennedy to the US Supreme Court.
1989: Alfredo Stroessner, president of Paraguay for more than three decades, was overthrown in a military coup.
1990: The parliament of Bulgaria elected economist Andrei Lukanov to replace a hard-line Communist as premier.
1991: U.S. military officials confirmed that seven of 11 Marines who were killed in combat on January 30 died from “friendly fire.”"
1991: The rate for a first-class postage stamp rose to 29 cents.
1992: Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa sparked controversy by saying American workers were losing the drive “to live by the sweat of their brow.”
1993: Marge Schott was suspended as Cincinnati Reds owner for one year for her repeated use of racial and ethnic slurs (the suspension was lifted after eight months).
1993: The federal trial of four police officers charged with civil rights violations in the videotaped beating of Rodney King began in Los Angeles.
1993: Violinist Chee-Yun and pianist Akira Eguchi recorded sonatas by Saint-Saens, Faure and Debussy for the Denon label.
1994: President Clinton lifted the 19-year-old U.S. trade embargo against Vietnam.
1994: The space shuttle Discovery lifted off, carrying Sergei Krikalev, the first Russian cosmonaut to fly aboard a U.S. spacecraft.
1994: Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan dismissed his aide, Khalid Abdul Muhammas, for making anti-Semitic remarks.
1994: The Senate confirmed William Perry to be defense secretary.
1995: The space shuttle Discovery blasted off with a woman, Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Eileen Collins, in the pilot’s seat for the first time in NASA history. 1
1995: At the O.J. Simpson trial in Los Angeles, prosecution witness Denise Brown wept on the stand as she described the humiliation and abuse of her sister, Nicole Brown Simpson, at the hands of the former football star.
1996: Sergeant First Class Donald A. Dugan, 38, became the first U-S soldier killed while on duty in Bosnia when a piece of ammunition exploded in his hands.
1996: An earthquake measuring 7.0 rocked southwestern China, killing at least 302 people and injuring 15,000.
1996: Actress Audrey Meadows died in Los Angeles at the age of 71.
1997: The Army announced that a retired female sergeant major had accused Sergeant Major of the Army Gene McKinney of sexual assault and harassment. (McKinney, who ended up being accused of sexual misconduct by six women, is scheduled to face court-martial beginning February third.)
1998: The state of Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker for the pickax killings of two people in 1983; she was the first woman executed in the United States since 1984.
1998: A US military plane sliced through the cable of a ski gondola in Italy, sending the car plunging hundreds of feet, killing all 20 people inside.
1998: A former teacher just released from jail on child rape charges was arrested after being caught with the 14-year-old father of her baby in violation of her parole, authorities said. Mary Kay LeTourneau, 36, was arrested about 3 a.m. when police searching a south Seattle neighborhood for a stolen car came across a “suspicious vehicle” with steamed-up windows and discovered the couple inside, Seattle police spokeswoman Christie-Lynne Bonner said. Officers recognized LeTourneau and arrested her for violating conditions of her release, which required her to have no contact with the boy.
1998: Stamps commemorating Princess Diana went on sale across Britain with the Post Office guaranteeing a minimum donation US$9.9 million to her favorite charities. The set of five stamps showed both formal and informal poses of the princess taken by famous British photographers and have a purple border as a mark of respect. ” The profits went to the Memorial Fund, to benefit charities ranging from AIDS to the homeless and anti-landmine campaigns.
1999: The Clinton administration told Congress a NATO-led peacekeeping force could be needed in Kosovo for three to five years and might include up to 4,000 American troops.
2000: The Senate voted 89-to-four to confirm Alan Greenspan for a fourth term as chairman of the Federal Reserve.
2000: The flight data recorder from Alaska Airlines Flight 261 was recovered from the Pacific Ocean off California.
2000: Richard Kleindienst, who had served as U-S attorney general during the Nixon administration and resigned during the Watergate scandal, died in Prescott, Arizona, at age 76.”

So, hello again everyone. Been quite the past few days really, in terms of how dramatically my life seems to want to turn, how dramatically I’m wanting it to turn…just the waiting, oh the waiting. One day at a time is good, but man, the waiting…

So, most of you who read this and know me personally are aware of what’s been going on in my life at this point I suspect. So I’m not going into specifics, or how I feel about it, all this, that’s between Mandy and myself, she’s the only one I’ll be open with this…don’t feel bad, it doesn’t mean I hate you, it’s just that understandably, this is our business not yours, give us some space.

Additionally, not to be a dick here, and keep in mind I never was the entire time, but my keeping away from everyone, as I have all last summer and and autumn, is due to the fact that I need, we need, time to deal with this. We both took the time to personally deal with it apart from each other, which in turn is another reason I’m withdrawn, I’m only comfortable talking to her, and since talking to others isn’t an option, and neither is pretending it’s not happening, I’d rather just hide out like a hermit until I feel better about the situation. It’s nothing personal to anyone, but honestly, if anyone does take it personally after all this explanation, that’s your problem not mine, please understand, things are bad enough without you bringing your problems to me. Selfish maybe, but remember all, I’m the one you told your problems to for years in the case of some of my older friends. and it’s payback time on that. Just be happy I’m not calling you crying at 3AM or sitting on your couch sulkingly (spellcheck claims this is not a word, I’m using it anyway, fuck spellcheck, it just doesn’t understand)all day and night (not that anyone did this to me, but I understand that people do this sort of stuff in times of real stress.)

Just know that I’m either about to enter the happiest time of my life, or the what will be one of the most devastating…I honestly don’t know right now how things will develop, all I know is how I want them to. If we can have the patience to find it out for ourselves, all I ask is the same.

Thanks, I really appreciate it, and the offers for talking it out and all that are appreciated, just know that I’m not that type of guy. I may have moments where I track down a trusted ear and let them have it, so stay close, it could happen.

Lee