Been thinking a lot about that subject, how it never seems to go fast enough for me. Waiting takes up a large portion of my life. I’m waiting for a lot of things to happen, some more than others. I am learning to be patient though, I have a special mentor in that regard right now, who is teaching me to wait, and that good things can happen if I can just be patient.

I suspect now though that the title of this blog and the meaning behind it will never be satisfied until I’m dead. That’s what it means I think, so with that I just need to wait the little things out, the big picture will unfold, just be patient.

Now, not to sound too morbid, it’s a coincidence, but the thing with my heart is really beginning to bug me – mostly how slow it all seems to be going. I’ve been waiting now for over a month for a phone call to see a cardiologist. Talking with mom, we decided my best bet might be to go to a clinic and get some kind of referral and maybe beat the process down a bit. Then tonight at work, a girl I work with tells me about her mom’s own trip through cardiologists and referrals, and it sounded pretty bleak. Even with a referral from a family doctor, all the specialists she’s seen have told her to wait it out, or even that it’s in her head. Fuck. Doesn’t bode well for me. I know they’ll tell me it’s in my head and I’m causing it with stress…..somehow in this case though I doubt that’s the case though.

Now though I am stressing my heart…listening to it go nuts at night makes me focus even more on it and isn’t helping I’m sure.

I am OK though, and I’m downplaying it so it’s not a big deal.

But man, it would be nice to get some answers…if not for me, then for the family members wondering if I am OK and not just saying it….which right now is hard to promise….but I do feel fine so no worries…apparently I do that enough for us all.

As for patience, I’m learning and it’s hard to do. I can be patient with people to no end, but with situations I’m such a worrier. Like I said though, I have a special guru who is helping me with that, even though she might not know it. She knows who she is though.

Sorry, been negligent with the entries. Just been so busy with work.

So update, I’m no longer at the old job…in fact, no one there is, the contract is up as of, well, I’m writing this on Saturday technically, so it was up yesterday. I on the other hand left last Saturday after my shift, and started bright and early Monday at…

…UPS. Seems like it’ll be an OK job. I have weekends off, don’t work past midnight guaranteed. The hours are longer, but that’ll be good, as I’ll be getting less than what I made before, so with the more hours it might come out to be roughly the same when all’s said and done…and taxed. Actually, do to my phone experience being as it is, I get to start out at a slightly higher rate than others in my class.

Also the “we’re always looking for management types” song and dance I got at my interviews might not be all that much bull after all. From what I see so far, it’s not only possible to get better jobs there, but it’s possible to get them rather quickly if you luck out and they opportunities come up.

We’ll see how it all plays out though. For now it’s still all one day at a time as usual as is with me.

Sorry, no personal gossip anymore I don’t think. The written journal is good for that, keeps my “public crazy” to a minimum.

I will say though that I’m still working towards getting that big question mark in my personal life to work out for me. It’ll just take a lot of patience on my part, and I’m beginning to get to a point where I can handle that. All I can do is hope that what was said was the truth, and that if it’s meant to be then it will be.

Cheers.

Well, I want to post, but have nothing to say really…nothing deep as it is anyway.

So ummm…work is fun…sad it’ll be ending really. UPS will be OK I’m sure, but I’ll miss how laid back StatsCan is…plus I’m good at my job and despite having some bad call, it’s fun.

So my mom is officially a crazy cat woman now. She mailed me a letter that was mostly made up of pictures of her new kitten. Reminds me so much of something a certain someone would do as well….

I’m keeping a private journal now too. Basically I’ve always been one to spill my guts here, but sometimes it’s too much to let out to everyone. So now I have a private stash of blogs just for me…although I am writing in it knowing full well that if I die someone will read it.

Too much Six Feet Under for me I think. Glad I never watched that showed, because now I get to see all the episodes pretty much at once…on episode 3 of season 1 tonight.

That’s my life so far. I want a cat now.

CATS.