OK, so my last few posts have been somewhat angry…I just wanted to make it noted though that I’m not pissed at particular people really, it’s more or less those who crossed my path in the course of fate unravelling. I guess my real problem is that fate seemed to be telling my rather strongly that this is how it will be, and this is who it will be with, and I was quite happy with that arrangement….and then it all fell through. I know what can be learned from it all and I have learned, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. As I said to a friend the other day, you can’t fight fate, but you can be pissed off at it.

So now I find myself blind-sided and quite single as a result… but extremely bitter about the last experience. I’m not too big on the being single thing anymore…as I’ve said before, forcing myself to be alone for five years was enough….although at the time I really did need to be single to find out who I was, but that filled the single quota for me. With that said though, I don’t think I’m all too psyched on getting back up on the horse, and I know right now that anything I do in the meantime would mostly be out of revenge haha…not too healthy and not very fair.

I will get back up on that horse, and I know now I’m quite ready for more serious relationships than I’ve been having, but for the time being I have some serious anger issues I need to get out before I’ll be of any use to anyone.

OK, I think that’s everything I’m willing to share here. I haven’t lost faith in love and starting a family, but right now that idea is kind of poisonous to me.

*End Emo Transmission*

So just a note,

I am entirely pissed off with a number a things right about now.

Too much happening at once is really making my head spin and angry Lee is taking over. He’ll go away soon enough I’m sure, but right now I could really go for some bottle smashing.

Hello.

How are you?

I’m feeling OK, a little worn out is all.

Tired of a few people, tired of work, tired of worrying about my heart.

Speaking of, I have an appoinment finally to see a cardiologist, so at least that’s looking as if it’ll be resolving itself.

As for the people I’m tired of, it’s not you…unless it is, and in which case, you know why so don’t bug me.

I’m also going through a very real cat withdrawl…I’m just too used to having them around I suppose. Got to meet Drew’s cat on the weekend, it’s a huge attention whore…we got along quite well.

All in all things aren’t going as I hoped or had planned a year ago, but hey, that’s life right?

One day at a time.

(PS don’t tell anyone but I am toying with the idea of telling everyone to go to hell and disappearing for a short while to get away from everything that’s bothering me…but that feeling passes….I’m just a crank lately, ignore me…*whine**whine*whine*)

Now, get out of my kitchen it’s bedtime.

’til then

So tonight there was a really neat thing.

A light mist of freezing rain (OK not cool for roads) fell down and coated the trees, but never came off, so when the trees blew in the wind, it made a noise that was eerily like that of leaves blowing, only these trees were all bare.

Ghost leaves are neat.

First off, you are fancy. To the Max. I was being a lurker tonight and went through the old posts on the MSN Spaces you had going for a year or so. Reading it helped me to understand a bit more about you, what you would only hint at from time to time in the heavier conversations.

I keep trying to find things to say that are meaningful and might help, but I don’t know how well I’m doing with that. Sharing and dealing with heavy feelings hasn’t been my strong suit, and more often then not I become a ghost and disappear. But that was the old Lee, the one who hadn’t yet found a reason to stick it out.

The more I think about it all though, the more I realize just how much fate has to do with this all…I mean, there will always be free will, we can always make decisions that can mess up what fate has in store, but it’s trying hard, and it was secretly what I always prayed for…something to work against me and my urge to run and disconnect. We had to be now and not then, because then would have left us as strangers today I know…it had to wait until now for it to be meaningful, for all the things that had to happen to have us grow to occur.

You must know by now I was preparing for this since the beginning…I had the choice a year ago to keep it all from occurring, but the feeling that I couldn’t shake wouldn’t let me. I’m so glad it didn’t let me, and that I listened to it instead of my instinct…which I know now was more habit then instinct really….habit built on being a kid and not dealing as a way to make it all easier.

You are fancy and so much more. I won’t bother here to try to describe what an awesome force you’ve been because I’m realizing now that words have a habit of escaping me when trying to describe it, which is why I’m always writing something new that pops into my head so often. I can say though, you have gifts and an energy and a soul that makes me never want to be away from those things. We’re all just human beings with faults and problems and baggage and I’m one of them as well. I can’t make it all better, but I’m so willing to try.

Plus, we have the house by the sea to think about.

Maybe it’s not how you saw the future, and it’s easier for me I know to forge ahead because I have trouble seeing past tomorrow….to be honest, I never even imagined my life at 27 because I never knew if I’d even be here at this age. I do however, understand your attraction to the past, and how it helps you see who you really are, but also how it reminds you of how things aren’t as you wanted them to be. I know that myself, I dwell 70% in the past, 25% in the moment, and the remaining small 5% thinking of the future.

I can say for certainty though that I’m learning to get out of my past, and that 5% in the future includes you in all of it now.

It is for better or worse as they say, and I don’t give up easy at all as I think you’ve noticed. In fact, my incredibly high propensity for stubborness is paying off right now I think. It’s also optimism though.

Crazy About You is my theme song and it fits and this all feels right and where I should be, and who I should be doing it with. That has never happened for me ever. Despite it all, that feeling that I am where I should be is giving me so much strength…you used to be what got me through, your reassuring words helped so much, even when maybe you couldn’t believe them yourself. Now it’s my turn to be the rock, or the true north as you said once…I like that term. I know it was from a different time and has a meaning all it’s own for you, but my optimistic self wants to use it in a new sense, since this is all new in a sense.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Glad it’s with you.

So how’s everyone doing? Me, I’m ok I think. Work has been hectic, mostly due to the constant calls and the 8.5 hour days. Seems like all my time is spent at work.

So to that end, I am still on the lookout for better jobs. I like the benefits and the possibility of promotion at UPS, but still…always on the lookout.

The heart thing has been keeping me up a bit at night lately. It’s becoming all too increasingly apparent that the intern in emergency never did get my files to cardiology. Man I miss having a family doctor. I’ll be taking matters into my own hands here soon, even though I feel fine, my mind goes off thinking bad things….mostly because it is odd, I think anyway, that I just randomly have a messed up heart now at 27…I just need to know why for my own piece of mind…and my mom’s haha. I guess I scared her when I told her, which was not the intention, but I mean, moms right? What can you do?

OK well, back to my online TV viewing…I have now to see the series finale of Six Feet Under before bed to complete the series….fuck…what will I watch now?

Adios

I’ll warn you now I haven’t got much to say. This is more of an update as a public service for anyone who checks in regularly and is sick of no updates. Although come to think of it, is this crappy update better than no update at all? I’ll let you decide that.

I can say work is going OK. I started the first full week out of training on Monday morning. Man, I have never spoken this much in my life…not that I talk alot so beating the old record isn’t that hard, but frig…sooooo much talking. Hopefully the promise of having me move to a different department will happen soon.

Oh, and I’m beginning to boycott capital letters. This is now officially the only forum left that I will capitalize in. MSN messages, Facebook, all that crap…lowercase. I feel like a new man it’s liberating….and possibly annoying to others.

OK, I think this fills the quota. Lee out.