OK I admit it’s been a a big lull in updates. Mostly I’ve been spending my time desperately trying to turn a job into a career, and deal with he toll it takes on me having weird shift changes while trying to learn a million new things a day. Also the upset digestion symptoms that made me go to the hospital back in February made a triumphant return, sticking with me for almost a week (it’s still bothering me somewhat) and causing me to miss half a day at work.

Also, as I was typing this I realized I was not in fine typing form….imagine this final edit as if someone had typed it by mashing their hand on a keyboard haha….I’m so tired and cranky right now.

Lata

Good lord I’m stressed out, but I’m not sure why. Things have been going relatively well…I have a real job now and they love me there and let me try new things so I don’t get bored, there’s money in the bank, and it turns out I’m not likely to die from sudden heart failure.

I think my stress must be coming form things in the recent past…mixed feelings about how some things ended, or rather didn’t really at all. It’s also given me a feeling of “back to square one”, and to be honest square one is tiring and boring lonely and not at all where I want to be anymore.

I still believe everything happens for a reason, at least for me anyway. My life has been an ever-recurring number of “coincidence”, and while I know I have ultimate control over what happens to me, as do we all, the universe is still going to try to piece things together….I can feel it, hence the name of this blog, I can always feel it….just sometimes I know the next “big thing” is actually somewhat far away.

I know it’s all about the journey, not the destination, so stop with that advice right there…my thing is mostly about getting closer to 30 more than anything I suspect…and yes I know also that 30 is the new 23 or whatever the hell “They” say nowadays, but I’ve never been young at heart have I? 30 for Lee is 30 as it used to be. Plus to be honest, this weird feeling I’m not destined to live to a ripe old age is somewhat freaky as well. Don’t knock it, I remember after 9/11 reading about a guy who died that day, and his whole life he was convinced he’d never live past 36, told everyone he knew all about the feeling….then died at 36. Now maybe that’s just a “coincidence” as well, but that guy knew his shit I say.

OK, enough crazy rambling. Seems as if this thing may go back to being my personal mental health provider. Which is fine for me, but I know it freaked some out – reading all this personal stuff I mean. I’m fine with it, eat it up people.

I tried the personal journal too…that didn’t take as well. Might have to do with having to write with the left hand and having the coils in my way haha….that killed the “romance” right there. Man, I like putting words in quotes tonight don’t I? I’m too post-modern for my own good, just not comfortable taking ownership of my own words I suppose. It’s the sign of the times I suppose….everything is “like”….it never just is.

…but of course if you hear me say “like” more than three times in a sentence, feel free to try to kick my ass.

Adios.

Man, what a crazy past couple months. Some good things, some not so great. About a year ago I began to think I knew what was going to happen, and could see my future opening up in front of me, and that I could see who was going to come along for the ride with me….I actually felt like I was in control, despite the fact that fate was definitely helping things along, now however…

I’m absolutely lost on the relationship front, but this time it’s hit a bit harder, as there was a time I felt I knew what was going to happen, and that it was actually going to work for once. Now I’m just not up for anything at all, which I have felt once before…and kept me out of “the game” for quite some time….I guess I don’t take broken relationships too well regardless of the cause, it’s all sad really.

Then there’s the heart murmur that had me on edge, and still does to be honest. At least I know my heart itself is fine, but knowing that it decided at one point to stop working normally doesn’t make it any easier to sleep at night, even if they say it’s fine.

The good stuff would more or less be tied into the job. I tried for months to get on with UPS more for the hours and location, and it finally happened when I least expected it. It’s good to have job security and to be able to finally get some savings started….especially since at one point I was convinced I would need to start saving for a family, in fact it still feels weird to realize I can spend cash on myself, since I was in such a mindset of needing to save up for the future. Still a good mindset to have don’t get me wrong, but sometimes realizing I can spend money on myself now still makes me somewhat sad.

Dad finally left for Alberta, this time for good. One less reason to be chained to back home I suppose. I wanted to go visit before they left, but it wasn’t to be. As Ian said, this time he’s not coming back, and I can’t say I blame him. Nova Scotia is a great place, but more and more it makes me sad….too much bad energy in it for my liking…too many ghosts.

It’s not as bad as it seems though, so no pep talks please haha. Life just chucked me a curveball, as it does for everyone from time to time. All I can hope is that in five years everything that has and would have happened over the past year will make more sense, because right now I’m quite tired and confused from it all.

I guess this is what happens when you give up control of life/emotions and go with the flow…one crazy rollercoaster….

Lates.