So at this point, I’m either on the edge of some new experiences, or about to be let down and stuck with the same old story. It’s somewhat exciting. I am cautiously optimistic at the moment, I feel like I can make things fall into place, as long as you gauge what strength level you need to push at. Years of being accused of “drifting through life” was actually me making things happen and making it seem effortless. Trust me, it’s not, and when it fucks up, it can fuck up big. I never lose faith though – just get frustrated, which I indeed will be to a great degree if this all falls through.

The job interview is less then 12 hours away. The second job interview I should stress. Being contacted the same day as the first, I figured it was in the bag to be honest. It could still get away from me yes, I will fully admit and play the game with that in mind, but really, I can taste the kill here….

As for the new digs, that front is less promising. There is interest, but nothing pans out. Appointments get made, no one shows. Calls are made, emails sent – nothing. Lot of flakes out there I guess. Really though I know the deal. Call all the potentials you see in the listings, and start weeding through them.

There is some consolation though in knowing that even if I absolutely cannot get someone for May, at least the lease is up at the end of that month. I just want out now, not just for the money aspect (biiiiigggg part of it though), but the idea of a “new beginning” is nice. New job, and new apartment at the same time? Now granted I plan on both being temporary for the summer, but the summer temp manoeuvres are the setup for the life-changing permanent changes for Autumn I feel.

Speaking of summer and changes, I have to admit the idea of not having a motorcycle this summer blows a tad. Next year sure, but it would have been nice. Now that the bikes are coming out I do feel a touch sad. Really though, let me tell you now it has nothing to do with wanting a new toy, or showing off my masculinity with some machinery between my legs (although fuck that is pretty boss you have to admit). It had more to do with the new beginnings line of thinking – the independence of it really strikes me, and let’s be honest, my independence, I feel, is the strongest aspect I have going at the moment. Although I don’t have the finances to let loose as much as I’d like to, I can really feel like I am coming into my own here.

I have always had no problem being on my own – in fact I believe it helped shape me fundamentally while just out of high school and in university. It wasn’t until after that relationships with others came into my life and really turned things upside down and taught me a lot about others, but this was well after I had learned about myself. What I know now from those two periods is that the real me, honestly seems to have no business being in close relationships with others. It’s no ones fault, but I feel like right now I’m not exactly the best relationship material, and it will probably only increase as I get older. That’s not to say that there aren’t lonely nights, times when I remember the highlights and awesome parts of close relationships, but I know deep down I really cannot make myself bend enough to be happy compromising – and that’s the key to making it work.

So yes, there’s the reason I want my bike. The only way to get more solo then that, would be to become a drifter and fade in/out of others lives at a whim to keep the boredom factor down. Shit, actually with a bike I could do both….

If I wasn’t so confident, I’m sure things would be different. I’d probably be married and maybe still within 25kms of the high school I graduated from. Not that there is anything wrong with that – someone has to do it, but I just can’t. I’m too confident in my abilities to make things happen for myself, and despite all the crap that occasionally happens (like right now being poor as hell but working my ass off), I always think I can make it work with the right amount of tweaking.

I wondered this weekend actually where it all came from, because really I am super-shy and as a kid I was so shy I stuttered hard and did not like talking and being the centre of attention at all. How did that kid end up playing in bands, giving speeches in front of classes, and ultimately working a job where he yells instructions to the customer service representatives he monitors?

Answer: It’s all in the raisins.

See, when I was younger, much younger, I took swimming lessons. Long story short, I failed the first level because of a fear of the deep end. End of story right? No.

Next year, my brother is in swimming lessons and I am back trying it again. Now, I can’t fail again and have my younger brother move ahead to the next level, that’s embarrassing right? When you’re 7 or 8 yes. Mom must have thought so too, because here’s what started it all – including the love for oatmeal raisin cookies.

The pool we were taught at had on it’s way a grocery store that would give cookies to kids who were enrolled in the “cookie card” program, or some such thing. We would always got there before swimming lessons to get a cookie. Nice sugar boost for the swimming, but no way it would fill you up and make you cramp. Now what my mom did was actually very ingenious, she convinced me at that young age that confidence was not only a thing you could get more of by ingesting it, but that it was the sole element that comprised a raisin.

And that’s where it all started. I would like to point out that as I thought this through this weekend I was eating one of those kinds of cookies.

I guess you could say it’s like spinach for me, but really it’s more subtle then that. Point is though, I’m sure it began from there. I was still shy and meek for years and years, but that triggered in my mind that behavior could be adjusted and controlled and that we’re not trapped at the mercy of our hangups.

Now, if I can control myself and my hangups with mind over matter and perhaps with the extra help of some fruit, then say, can I control external environments by exerting a certain “touch”? (I decide to leave the raisins out of this part) I believe I can, it’s not easy though – there are other souls out there wanting things as well, some different than yourself, and things don’t always work out. Sticking closer to home, at least metaphorically, can be easier to control. Yes I’m getting a bit out there, but if this is possible, and I somewhat feel it is, at least for myself, then it makes life-chaging decisions so much easier to deal with. Those people who take new opportunities at the drop of a hat just for the experience? They most likely feel the same way about themselves and their environments I assume.

Yes I know, the fun does come to and end, yes buzzkill I am well aware. Until then however, I will continue to enjoy getting myself into new situations, whether it be work, home, or yes, maybe even the occasion relationship. God knows though I blow at those. Do not even begin to try to exert influence in those. Just don’t.

Maybe that’s my problem. I would like to not do so in those, and have an equal patnership. It never works out though. To be honest I always find myself being lost in the situation,a and not in a fun way, but in more of a “why does this seem like so much extra work in my life just to get some regular sex?” way.

OK whatever, capital W with the hands people, the word count says over 1000 and I have an interview to go to (and then a terrible 8 hours talking to customers bbbllllahhhh) so I’m going to bed. Although I had planned to watch it, I think later this week will be my Synecdoche, New York viewing night. I dig anything Charlie Kaufman, and the review I read on a messageboard this morning by someone who watched it, enjoyed it, but felt it depressed them a great, got me hooked. Move me movie. I’ll make sure I have extra junk food in case it bums me the fuck out too.

Bonne nuit.