Between moving, and stating a new job, and working overnight constantly….I think I may be losing a little bit of grip. I mean, I’m not bat-shit crazy, but boy oh boy, do I feel “off”.

The worst I’ve noticed, is my complete apathy towards anything. I’m going through the motions behind the scenes it feels, I don’t care if I’m noticed, and I don’t care if I get recognized.

Yes this is brainless drivel, I’ve been up all night and the sun is out and I feel tired, but not.

It occurred to me, while at work overnight completely on my own, that right now I must honestly admit, the idea of meeting someone – I guess not the idea, but the drive we all feel from probably the later part of our elementary school years onward – that we want to be with someone? You know what I mean, well, right now it’s fucking dead and lifeless, and it freaks me out a bit. I mean, I can see the benefit and virtue and attractiveness and personality sparks to a few women I’ve met, either in my pre-zombie waking life, and now through a few various websites where lonely people chat to each other, and I realized that even though I recognize these factors, and see their importance, none of it strikes me so far as being important enough to want to care.

I’m not happy with this at all, but until something happens to shake me awake, I fear this is how it’s going to be. It’s depressing. I mean, some would love to be this way, theorically it allows you to take greater control of your life, you dictate the terms. But as someone who is really already emotional unavailable most of the time to begin with, well, this is a bad turn of events. I really don’t have any great ambition to be that lonely old guy who kids steer clear of on Halloween, but it seems I am my own worst enemy.

Shit, on the plus side, I am now living closer to the hookers now that I’ve moved. Love is available for $5 any night of the week.

I think I figured it out – I’m a bit player in my own life.